True Confessions Of A K-Mart Shopper

“Gotta go to K-Mart, K-Mart in Cincinnati for underwear, Yeah, gotta go to K-Mart, K-Mart in Cincinnati for underwear.”

“Ray, Ray let me give you a little tip, K-Mart sucks!” Excerpt taken from the movie “Rainman”

Well Mr. Cruise, K-Mart might suck to some people but I have to admit that I do shop in there from time to time to save some money. Okay, okay, and I admit, I’m cheap!!! Another great thing about shopping in K-Mart is it’s entertaining as hell! One of the reasons it’s entertaining is because you get many types of people who shop in there, it’s interesting, comical and entertaining.
First of all you get the people that don’t speak a word of English and go up and down the aisles talking in their own foreign language to each other. I have no problem with that at all, but why do these people that speak a different language have to SHOUT??? It's like one person is standing at one end of the store and the other person is at the other end of the store. What? They can't just talk to one another in a normal tone of voice? You can actually be in another aisle across from them and it sounds like they’re standing right next to you holding a conversation. The funny thing about it is they think that they’re talking in a normal tone of voice. Then they wonder why everyone is staring at them in the store?
Next you have the elderly couples, elderly couples are so cute, but get an elderly couple in K-Mart shopping? Forget it, it’s a totally different story! They are anything but cute and they fight and argue like crazy. Example, I ran across an elderly couple in K-Mart who stood there arguing over how much sodium was in a box of Premium Saltine Crackers. They were standing in the middle of the aisle reading the box of crackers with a magnifying glass, and the husband was trying to grab the magnifying glass out of his wife’s hand to show her that the sodium content was wrong and then she got totally pissed off and looked like she was going to swing at his face with her purse. I walked by them and I heard the man say, “this is bullshit, I’m going to go wait in the God Damn car!” Then the lady turns to him and says, “that’s a hell of a good idea, as many times as you’ve marched off to use the restroom while we’ve been here and arguing with me over how much we can save on a box of "Depends," I think going to the car and waiting is an excellent idea for you, maybe now I can get my shopping done!” Ouch! I hope I never get that old!
Next you have the speed demons in the wheelchairs, I always feel so sorry for people in wheelchairs, but these people that are in these wheelchairs go 90 miles an hour up and down the aisles in the store, and they are frickin dangerous as hell! You really have to be careful when you’re turning the corner or honest to God they will knock you right off of your feet and on your ass in a matter of seconds. It makes me wonder how many people have actually ended up in wheelchairs after getting hit by somebody doing 90 miles an hour down a grocery aisle in a wheelchair. Scary.
Then you have the people with children, children running everywhere. Kids are awesome but every time I’m in that store there’s always a kid screaming and crying. It’s usually a kid that’s pissed off and laying flat down on the floor and refusing to move because their mother or dad won’t buy them the toy of their choice. Or it’s a kid that’s getting wailed on by the parents for being a brat. It always leaves me thinking to myself “ wow that could be me trying to deal with that kid, thank God almighty that I don’t have kids!” Whatever the day, or time, there’s always a screaming crying kid. Since there are so many children always crying in the store, I’ve come to the conclusion that people wait to spank their kids until they get inside a K-Mart store.
Then you have the people that look like they’re shopping, but don’t really know what the hell they’re shopping for. They walk around the store slowly pushing their cart and pick every item up off of the shelves, examine it, and then put it back and move on to the next item, this process looks like it goes on for hours and it must take them forever to get their shopping done. I’d truly hate to go Christmas shopping with those people.
Then you have the people that just live for the K-Mart blue light specials, always looking for a bargain. Oh my God!!! These are the people you seriously need to watch out for. They will in fact kill you if you happen to be in their way to get to the blue light special of their choice. The other day I was in there picking up some laundry detergent and I came across two ladies that were hovering over a basket full of the ugliest God awful looking pairs of jeans I had ever seen in my life! It was totally hilarious. They both had the most serious looks on their faces as they were frantically riffling through this basket of jeans. They both were digging into the basket at the same time and they both happened to pick up the same pair of jeans at the same time. It caught my attention and totally stopped me in my tracks and then I had no choice but to stand there and watch the train wreck start to take place. One lady had one leg on the pair of jeans and the other lady had the other leg, and they were both pulling and tugging on the pants to the point where it looked like it was going to rip right up through the crotch and completely tear the jeans in half. I thought to myself, “holy hell, this is some serious shit going on here, how sad is this,?” “I have really got to get a life and shop in some other stores!”
On that same day I passed by their woman’s clothing section of the store, I walked right by a mannequin that they had all dressed up and I actually backed up and did a double take. Seriously? This was the first time I actually felt sorry for a mannequin, because they had the poor thing dressed up like a cheap K-Mart whore. Trust me, she looked like a blue light special hooker! Someone had dressed her in the tackiest outfit, she looked like she had ruby red lipstick on and that she was ready to hit the streets for the night and go work her corner. Hmmm, makes me seriously wonder if T.J Maxx was her pimp???
Ever hear of the saying, “you get what you pay for?” That phrase always runs through my head when I walk by their return service desk and some customer is giving the poor clerk a hard time about having to return a toaster that cost five dollars because it doesn't function like a fifty-dollar toaster that one might purchase from Macy’s. Hello? It’s a toaster, it was five dollars, it’s not going to function like a fifty-dollar toaster for one simple fact, it’s cheap!!! It was five dollars!!! I always feel so sorry for those clerks that have to put up with that crap.
In the end I always walk out of there with a big old smile on my face, just for the plain fact that it’s entertaining as hell in there, and well, okay, and I’m cheap. At least I’m not like some people who walk out of there with smiles on their faces like they got the greatest deals in the world and want to shout it out at the top of their lungs and tell the whole world, “LOOK AT THIS WHOLE SHOPPING CART FILLED WITH CRAP THAT ONLY COST ME FIFTY DOLLARS!!” “YES!”
What I’m about to tell you now is the ultimate K-Mart confession, so here it is. Two months ago when my vacuum broke I had to go buy another one, and where did I head to buy my new vacuum? The big K!!! The really sad thing is the other night I had my T.V. on and here’s a K-mart commercial on, and I turned and looked and here was the exact same vacuum that I had purchased two months ago in the commercial. I’m so embarrassed to admit this but here goes, I saw the vacuum in the commercial and I actually pointed at the T.V. excited as hell and screamed! Jesus, you would have thought that somebody that I knew was on T.V. the way that I was pointing at the T.V. and carrying on about my stupid vacuum that was in the commercial. I came to the conclusion that I’ve been spending way too much time in K-Mart. One of these days I really need to get myself a life, I’ve heard they’re nice to have. : o

Peace out!

Jenn